Your partner may not like me (and I’m okay with that)
This blog is kinda risky. It may totally turn you off from working with me. But I think it’s important to say, regardless.
My clients are tougher than they think, and tougher than their partners (or exes) believe them to be. I’m here to help you tap into that toughness, whatever shape or form that needs to take. A lot of times, “toughness” requires honesty and change Often, partners don’t like the change, and thus, don’t really love me. But I love some healthy, necessary, and hard change. Big fan.
In a weird and backwards way, it’s kind of a compliment to you and me both to hear that your partner isn’t a fan. There’s likely to be some push back on some of the changes you’re making. It means you’re doing the hard work, learning to stand up for yourself, not fearful of rocking the boat (or fearful but doing it anyways), and are prioritizing your needs, wants, and desires. All that is really. good. stuff. But change can be hard. So, sometimes they don’t like me.
Think of it this way-you and your partner operate in a system of sorts. That pattern isn’t really working for you and you want help learning how to make it different (aka healthier, more balanced, supportive, genuine, restorative, etc.). So you start to shift a behavior or perspective. Maybe you take less shit, ask for more, express emotions differently, or hold your partner more accountable. This shifts the dynamic of the whole partnership which is often met with frustration, pressure, or guilt from your (non changing) partner. Despite this response, these are healthy choices we’re talking about.
Picture this:
Your partner is always putting you down, but in a “cute joking way.” You tried once or twice to stand up to him and say that you didn’t like what he was saying and to cut it out. He minimized and dismissed your anger or sadness, stating he was “only kidding.” This makes you feel even worse and you start to wonder “Am I stupid? Did I totally miss something? Why do I take everything so seriously?” So you decide not to say anything next time. The pattern and put downs continue.
I help folks to speak up for themselves. Sometimes, all you need is a reality check from an unbiased pro to recognize, “wait, this is NOT okay.” Sometimes, you may need some really specific help in learning how to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need in a relationship. It can be really hard to a) know what you need, b) then ask for it. For a lot of us, we learned as kids that we “aren’t supposed” to rock boats or stand up for ourselves. It’s time to ditch those scripts in order to heal and pursue a healthier relationship. And I’m okay if that pisses some people off.