Catching Feelings or Just Lonely?
“Am I really into this person? Or am I just tired of being alone?”
This one’s tough.
Many of you have been bringing this question to sessions lately. The short answer is “I don’t know.” Only you can really know what your intentions are and if/how your patterns are playing out as you pursue new relationships. It’s an especially hard time to determine the answer to this question as COVID has continued to keep people apart, has halted or forced adapted dating, and for many has brought you to the end of your relationship.
Since we are wired for connection, many folks are under the impression that any connection is a good connection at this time, or that a “it’ll do” connection is better than no partner at all. Meh. I can’t get behind this thought process. When we are connecting to or pursuing others because it’s “better than nothing” or because we are so frickin tired of quarantine/being alone, we often end up with people who are poorly matched and/or trigger our hurt parts. (Disclaimer! Many of my clients have found great romantic connections during COVID. You are not doomed to pic duds during quarantine! It’s just that the evils of COVID are really bringing this up for a lot of folks as we all are adapting to new levels of being alone). Since I don’t know you, your intentions, your desires, or your patterns, take a look at these markers to help you better understand your position re: readiness to date vs. ready to not being alone.
You might be dating to avoid feeling lonely if:
-Things are moving really quickly with a new partner
-There are red flags that you are unwilling to see or are quick to ignore (are you ignoring your friends’ warnings or skepticism of your new partner?)
-You are ignoring your feelings, or have no idea what you’re even feeling outside of this new attraction
-Time alone is unbearable
-You’re super bored
-You’re ignoring your own needs or wants
-You’re putting others’ happiness over yours
-You’re feeling an extreme at the end of a fling. Either completely unaffected, or entirely devastated
Maybe it’s not that you’re lonely at all. You may be ready to date if:
-You’re managing your alone time just fine. In fact, you appreciate it and look forward to it
-You have adapted/maintained structure in your life during quarantine
-You’re willing to take things slow, or to-GOD FORBID-talk on the phone as you get to know someone
-You value your independence
-You’re clear as to what you want in a relationship
-You’ve turned down some folks that aren’t great matches. You won’t settle.
Hope this is an assist in steering you in a happy, healthy direction. Take good care,
L