Things to consider before you ghost

A lot of people initiate therapy after they experience a breakup. But what if it’s your therapist you're wanting to break up with? 

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“It’s not you, it’s me.” “We don’t want the same things.” “I’m going through a lot right now.” “I’ve been struggling with my mental health and don’t have space for this.” Breakup clichés might be enough to sever ties in a romantic relationship or a friendship, but what about with a therapist? The last two probably won’t work, and they all are likely to open the door to a dreaded (yet productive?) conversation that asks us to honestly examine what isn’t working and how we tend to confront (or avoid) interpersonal conflict.

Get Curious. Get Honest

There is so much good data in looking at what brings us discomfort and how we respond to it. Before you end things with your therapist, I encourage you to first get curious and honest about what isn’t working. You want to be aware of any past patterns you may unknowingly be recreating before you ghost or quiet quit. Consider the following:

What don’t you like about your therapist? See if you notice anything specific. Their voice? When they interrupt you? How they seem to have an agenda and direct the conversation when you really just want them to sit there and listen? How they just sit there and listen without the input and direction you’re starved for? If you find yourself unable to parse out what exactly feels bothersome, take note of that too. 

How do you feel in sessions? Do you feel silenced, supported, ignored, incompetent, cared for, pitied, uncared for, disrespected? Are these familiar feelings? Do they remind you of anyone or anything?

Do you notice any unmet needs or longings for how you wish things with your therapist could be different? If you could wave a magic wand and have them be different with this person, do you think you’d be open to continuing? Or does some sacred bond energetically feel already severed?

Are you noticing any familiar patterns in yourself that may be playing out in this situation or therapy in general? Maybe progress isn’t happening fast enough, staying with something you’re sure is wrong way past its expiration date, feeling responsible to navigate things alone, shying away from talking about your needs out of fear?

What has your relationship to interpersonal conflict been like in the past? I invite you to consider situations where you’ve had a hard conversation with someone. Did it go really poorly? Were you too intimidated to try? Was it actually not as bad as you thought? Worse?

After pondering the above questions, you may realize “nope. This isn’t some old pattern. This isn’t me avoiding conflict. This isn’t me finding a reason to not “go deep” and be seen and known. This isn’t me thinking I don’t deserve to heal.” If that’s the case, it sure does sound like you may need to break up with your therapist!

While you don’t owe your therapist (or anyone) anything, it is a relationship. And a big point of therapy is to have a safe relationship where you can practice things—like boundary setting and standing up for yourself—without consequence, so that you can take those tools into “the real world” outside of session. Your therapist should never shame or guilt you into staying in therapy. If they do, that’s a problem and a sign that you made the right call to end the therapeutic relationship. However, some therapists will challenge you and invite you to stay curious about your decision (like asking you to ponder the above questions), especially if it feels abrupt. That’s okay for them to do, too. 

If you’re able, be honest, communicate feedback about what didn’t work, and be direct. In a perfect world, this conversation would happen in person, but we know we don’t live in a perfect world. An email works, too, if an in person convo is too big of a deterrent. This email might sound like:

Hi, therapist-

I’m grateful for the time we’ve worked together, and for the things you’ve taught me. Upon further reflection, I am going to take my therapy practice in a different direction. At this time, I’m looking for something a little more directive/spiritual/skills based/etc., and/or am seeking a therapist with more shared lived experience. I would have found more benefit from our work together had ______ been different. 

Or, if there has been a rupture or if your therapist has hurt you in some way,

Hi, therapist-

I need to take a break from therapy. I don’t know if I’ll be back. I am really struggling with how our last session went, and I need some time to reflect. I keep thinking about what you said, and it hurt me. I felt like it missed the mark in this way ___ and I need some time. I’ll be in touch if I decide to return to therapy. 

____

Sometimes we want to challenge ourselves in the name of growth…to say the hard thing, take a risk, or be vulnerable. And sometimes we want the path of least resistance and that’s valid too. Is this a situation where you’re open to having a vulnerable, uncomfortable, or potentially risky conversation in the name of growth?

And, don’t forget. Like everyone else, your therapist’s response is their own responsibility. It isn’t yours.

Written by Ailsa Bennett and Lindsey Brock